What do you expect from your marriage?
Who do you believe should take out the trash? Raise the kids? Buy gifts for extended family? How much sex should you be having? How much money is too much to spend on something? Who will pay the bills? How should you be treated when sick? Are public displays of affection appropriate?
The list can go on forever. And, according to some experts, the expectations can change once the vows are said and done. Apparently, the safety created by the act of marriage may bring to the surface expectations that were buried until one feels secure in their paring with a partner. It means that even if expectations were discussed, they could have done a 180.
Now, as much as we all have expectations, I'm more interested in when those expectations aren't met. I'm not saying that if you have unrealistic expectations, that you should feel right in being upset. If wanting a $50,000 engagement ring from your boyfriend who works at McDonalds is your expectation...well, it ain't gonna happen there honey! But what about those expectations that aren't unrealistic and can be achieved? Say, wanting the bed made every morning or having someone bring you soup when you're sick? What happens when those expectations aren't met? Should you feel justified in being upset and disappointed? What if you've voiced your expectations clearly to your partner and they still aren't met? Then what?
In all of the books I've read, they don't have an answer to that question. Do you go through life without ever receiving that expectation? Do you hold a grudge? Do you fight about it? Is it the other persons fault for not accommodating that expectation?
If two people can't agree on an expectation of one person...what then?
I think many "expectations" should be discussed prior to getting married. Obviously some of the smaller things aren't going to be brought up (such as your soup when sick example, unless that's a big deal for someone.) I think the most important thing about expectations is communication. If there's an expectation one partner has and it's not being fulfilled, s/he needs to talk to his/her partner and explain what the expectation is and WHY it's expected. And, if a partner really is truly committed to the relationship, I would thing s/he would make an effort to meet that expectation, but the expectant partner also has to have an understanding that things don't change over night, if ever, and there are some things just not getting upset or worried about.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely no expert or anything, but that's my two-cents.